We listened to Iron &Wine’s Creek Drank the Cradle on the ride over and sang. We arrived at the hospital and immediately started pacing and panting down the hallways on the birthing center. My midwife showed me to breathe deeper. Each contraction was only for the moment. I told myself- “just this one,” touched it and then let it go. I pictured holding you in my arms and walking down the beach- the pain was like the hot sand on my feel. I would escape and return, leave and come back. Touch and go. By midnight I was only 2cm, so they gave my Pitocin because I was exhausted, and still had miles to go. The next 5 or 6 hours were some of the longest of my life.I longed to leave my body and fly to the future where you were born and healthy. We checked again so many hours later- there was no change in my dilation I collapsed. My spirits felt so broken. I had roused myself again and again and again and I could not imagine continuing on for another day. I was sinking into a rabbit hole of fear when the midwife suggested an epidural. All my sadness, all my fear, all my despair melted. I would nap and then push you into the world. The time floated by like a dream.
I was 6cm and then I was ten! I tried to sleep more but I couldn’t stop talking with Yaya, Anna, Bompi and the nurses. The midwife (I was on my fourth one at this point) came back from lunch and we set up for your arrival. She gasped when she checked me- “I can see her head!” I started pushing. I couldn’t feel my body but I could feel yours, sliding down faster and faster. I reached down and touched your head. Could you feel me, ushering you into this bright world Do you remember what happened next, when Anna grabbed one leg, Yaya the other and I pushed three more times> You, a flash of bright light appeared! A shine of pure energy, expanding into space, hands shooting out in every directions like little stars. The midwife placed you up on my chest and we melted. I covered your sticky body with kisses and tears. Everyone in the room was laughing and crying and rejoicing You didn’t cry- you made little mewing sounds. I held you so tight. You were rooting around on my chest when suddenly, your eyes shot open and you looked right at me. I felt into those eyes and we lay there for hours as nurses, family, friends drifted in and out. It was a blur of love- truly the most incredible moments of my life.