..this little babe is growing.
This weekend was the perfect mix of the anxiety and beauty of this growth. Mostly my anxiety and her beauty. Although I must remember that growing and changing is hard and scary for her too.
She has been the most amazing delightful shiny girl and then suddenly a cranky old fussmuffin. For example- on Saturday night we went to a CD release party for my friend Christa Joy and she sat and listened and chewed on my hand for an hour and then fell asleep (Jolene, not Christa). We went to another friend’s for wine and cheese before the show and she screamed most of the time.
Then today I had a big ol freak out because all this growing means that she has been eating all the time and I am having a hard time keeping up with it. She latches on to eat and then gets upset that the milk isn’t coming fast enough and pounds my breasts with her little fists. Also someone at mumma group last week shared her experience of her milk drying up when her baby was Jolene’s age and it has been haunting me. I didn’t even know that could happen. Shit.
I am just feeling anxious about change. We were in such a groove and now we are in that bumpy dis-equilibrium period before the next groove and man it is bumpy. When I get overwhelmed with this feeling I mostly want to ignore Jolene and read Young Adult Dystopian Novels and play those dumb online games where you have to serve everyone food really fast. Also everyone is graduating this weekend and I really thought I was at peace with the fact that I have a baby instead of a BA, but apparently I’m not. Someone I went to High School’s dad mentioned today that his son is currently hiking “El camino de Santiago” and I started thinking how will I ever get to do that with a little kid?! And all of a sudden in my brain I am 40 with a huge stack of YA Dystopian Novels and Jolene is traveling the world and doesn’t really write and I am stuck paying everyone’s college loans and taking out additional loans to buy fancy ice cream bars.
Someone wise told someone else wise who told someone else wise who told me “anxiety is just excitement without the breath.” So suppose I will just sit here and breathe, even though the floor is covered in Dr. Seuss books, even though something smells like pee but I’m not really sure what, even though life does not go the way we plan.