I wish I could convey the beauty of this room at this moment- the paper cranes flying across the soothing blue walls, the christmas light stars, the steady clock, Jolene’s little noises drifting from her basket. Its simple and quiet and so sweet.
Today was a pretty hard day- Jolene hardly napped and was having tummy trouble and was markedly less excited than I about our big switch to cloth diapers (!!!). She has been an astonishingly good baby and today she was not quite that but nevertheless I tried real hard to just be present with her. Her tummy troubles, her constant peeing, her crying (also her coos, snuggles and nuzzles…to be fair)- all of it.
Being a dharma brat, being present is a constant theme in my life, but it is particularly pertinent since I became (re)addicted to the show Parenthood. Over the weekend I watched it as I nursed, pumped milk…even as I rocked Baby J to sleep. Its was constant until the absurdity of it hit me- I was trying to escape the monotonous parts of being a parent by watching a show about parenting. It left me feeling empty and kind of guilty and because I was trying to do so many things at once, of course I wasn’t enjoying any of it.
So I am working on being present. The time is already flying by and I want to be totally here for it so when I am old and close my eyes and think about Jolene’s infancy, I don’t just see Peter Krause yelling at his fictional teenage daughter. TV is fine for “me time,” but while Jolenes around, it is so much more enjoyable and easier to simply be with her. Also I stayed up last night and finished season two and thats all there is on Netflix so that helps.
This song closed the season and has been ringing around my head (I think it was Alexi Murdoch’s version). I’ve been singing it to Jolene at bedtime but somehow when I do it sounds like a stiff mid 19th century choral piece (which it is…). Bob Dylan makes everything sound cool.